Chapter 10: Marriage and Communication in Intimate Relationships

1. Summary:
Chapter 10 considers various components of marriage as well as the benefits and constraints involved in such an important rite of passage into adulthood, emphasizing the importance of effective communication to decrease the likelihood of conflict. It begins by discussing right and wrong reasons for getting married. Choosing to marry for the right reasons, such as for love and companionship, to have children, to progress into adulthood, for a lifelong commitment and personal fulfillment, as well as a sense of permanence and continuity means a couple is more likely to develop a stronger and more stable relationship. However, when one chooses to marry for the wrong reasons, such as for social legitimacy, for economic security, because of social pressure, to seek practical solutions to problems, as well as to rebel or get revenge, they often have problems which lead to misery or divorce. The chapter discusses many marriage rituals including the engagement and wedding procedures. An engagement makes a couple’s decision to marry formal and identifies them as a couple; making it clear to others who are interested that they are no longer available. Engagements are often marked by traditions like bridal showers, bachelor parties (with all the groom’s male friends), or bachelorette parties (with the brides female friends). Wedding ceremonies reinforce the idea that the marriage is a sacred, permanent bond and the presence of others portrays their acceptance and validity of the marriage. In general, the wedding marks the end of childhood. Whether or not to develop prenuptial agreements is controversial in that they lessen the complication involved in ending bad marriages and give women some legal protection, but they may also not accurately reflect the couple’s future because this is very hard to predict as people change over time and considering that most couples don’t know much about their spouse before they marry them. Furthermore, many people do not draw contracts up because they may appear to be unromantic, little property may be involved, and it may create a certain amount of distrust.

            Next, the chapter examines several types of marriages that are grouped into two specific types, utilitarian marriage and intrinsic marriage. Utilitarian marriages are based on convenience, which includes conflict-habituated marriage (physical and verbal fights are seen as a way to solve problems, thus are not good reasons for divorce), devitalized marriage (the couple’s original love when they married, diminishes as time goes on and is replaced by obligation, but they continue to get along, thus do not consider a divorce), and passive-congenial marriage (partners are very independent and expect little from each other, achieving satisfaction from other relationships). Intrinsic marriages are based on inherent rewards, which include vital marriage (partners’ lives are closely intertwined) and total marriage (partners are involved in all areas of each others’ lives). It introduces different cross cultural variations in living apart together relationships (LAT), which are common for people to have for economic or personal reasons; for example, in China husbands work in cities and the wife works on the field for the purpose of increasing their income, while in Scandinavian countries, couples move apart after marriage in order to save their relationship.

            Marital success and happiness are measured by marital stability (marriage is whole and there is no mention of divorcing) and marital satisfaction (couples view the marriage as a good one). Over the years, marital happiness has decreased with men more happily married than women. There are several variables found to be associated with marital success, which includes compatibility (couples are believed to be more successful and happier when they share similar social backgrounds, personalities, and emotional wavelengths), flexibility (couples are believed to be more successful and happier when they adjust to differences, accommodate the other person’s needs, and compromise rather than try to control one another or insisting on doing everything their own way), positive attitudes (couples who like each other as people and are good friends have happy and successful marriages), communication and conflict resolution (happy/successful couples identify problems and disagreements followed by efforts to resolve them), and emotional support (happy/successful couples put more stress on providing emotional support than romantic love).

            There are many health benefits that are believed to come out of marriage. Marriage generally leads to a longer and happier life; happily married people often experience an increase in physical as well as mental health; this health increase may be explained by the selection effect which means that sociable and healthy people are attracted to the same kind of person others who are like themselves and are more desirable marriage partners because they don’t depend on marriage to define them and make them happy or by the protection effect (receiving emotional, social, and financial support from a spouse improves one’s general health and life span by reducing anxiety, preventing or lessening depression, or help speed recovery when one becomes ill). When considering gender and health, it appears that married men are healthier than married women; reasoning for this difference may include the fact that wives provide more nurture and companionship than men, thus men experience more care and emotional support than women who often are forced to look outside the marriage for companionship; wives who take on the added stress of full-time employment while trying to meet the needs of their family experience high risks for depression. Marriage often introduces lifestyle changes and reduces some of men’s bad habits, may lead to marital burnout, which is characterized by the deterioration of love and ultimate loss of an emotional attachment between partners.

            As men and women often experience marriage differently, they possess different marital roles, which are specific ways married couples define their behavior and structure their time. Couples frequently undergo identity bargaining, where they readjust to their new roles as husband and wife by accommodating the other. Married women are given the role known as wife work, which they are expected to maintain their husbands well-being by nurturing for them physically and emotionally; but, men are not expected to do the same. Role conflict is common in many marriages as the number of roles each partner is responsible for increases with marriage. Domestic work includes housekeeping and child rearing activities; these activities vary according to age, stage of life, employment (husbands are more likely to do household tasks if their wives work outside the home), gender (wives spend more time on housework than husbands, but men’s participation has increased in recent years), the presence of children (married couples with children experience an increase in the wives child rearing and housework), race and ethnicity, and social class (couples who have high socioeconomic statuses are more likely to have egalitarian marital roles); if women are employed full-time and hold traditional attitudes about gender roles, they are more likely to accept an imbalanced division of household labor as part of a proper women’s role. Women are often drained and may become dissatisfied if there is a significant gender gap in domestic roles. As marriages progress, couples make adjustments to their new life (including setting up a joint bank account), identity, and roles; during the first year of marriage, after the vows, couples must adapt to their new married name/identity as well as to the responsibility of putting the relationship above others. When a couple takes on debt early in the marriage, satisfaction often decreases. Although marital satisfaction may decrease after a couple has children into society to become responsible and contributing members is an important function of the family; as more and more adolescents begin to press for autonomy and independence, the potential for family stress often increases. Couples in their midlife years must continually adapt to new conditions such as intergenerational ties, relationships with in-laws, the empty nest syndrome (feeling of emptiness and uselessness when children leave home) and the boomerang generation (young adults who move back into their parents’ home or never leave it; more common due to the negative effects of the weak economy). Even in their later lives, couples continue to make accommodations for things like retirement and declining heath statuses. Throughout one’s marriage, from beginning to the end/death, couples make adjustments to improve one’s marital quality.  

            The chapter then explores many constraints involved in marriage, including communication problems, stressing the importance of effective verbal and nonverbal communication in any committed relationship. Effective communication often can resolve or decrease the likelihood of conflict by self-disclosure (conveying how one feels). Self-disclosure is very beneficial in that it can provide esteem, informational, instrumental, and motivational support. However, self-disclosure is risky in that it can lead people to gain “information power” that could be used against a partner and it could intensify a person’s already low self-esteem if the feedback is negative. Men and women have different communication styles; women’s speech is often an end in itself in that they use communication to develop and maintain relationships, while men’s speech is more often the means to an end as they focus on problem solving. Women are more likely to ask questions to start up conversations, more likely to be tentative when speaking, and have a more personal, concrete style which they personalize communication by referencing emotions. On the other hand, men are more likely to exert control when communicating than express sympathy and be more forceful, direct, and authoritative in their speech rather than tentative; men often are characterized by possessing conversational dominance, which can be identified by the greater frequency and longer periods that they speak. Social context is important in understanding gender communication styles as men’s speech fluctuates depending on the woman they are speaking to, while women’ speech remains the same with their husband and with men in general.

Chapter 10 introduces communication problems like not listening; not responding to the issue at hand (by engaging in cross-complaining, counterproposals, or stonewalling); blaming, criticizing, and nagging; scapegoating; using coercion or contempt; or using the silent treatment, which causes feelings of anger and hostility to grow. Furthermore, power and conflict are normal and unavoidable in close relationships; oddly enough, those who are more committed to a relationship have less power than those who are less interested in the relationship. Conflict is not always a bad thing as it can strengthen relationships by guiding partners to resolve it. Most conflict and disagreements are over money, housework, fidelity and sex, and children. When considering these various conflicts that may arise in marriage, one must consider common conflict resolution approaches and effective ways of handling conflict. Four techniques mentioned in this chapter that are commonly used, but not necessarily the best ways, for conflict resolution; these include: accommodation (one person agrees/goes along with the other), compromise (a middle ground is reached between the partners’ opposing positions), standoff (the argument is dropped without resolving it), and withdrawal (one refuses to continue the argument by walking away or abruptly stops talking). Some effective ways to handle conflict include confronting problems, avoiding ultimatums, expressing ones wishes/feelings with no apologies, refusing to fight dirty, avoiding accusations and attacks, and striving for closure by resolving issues as soon as they arise. Partners can increase positive communication and decrease negative communication patterns by asking for information, being specific rather than generalizing, staying focused on the issues, being kind and honest, and expressing appreciation by listening.

Finally the chapter concludes with a discussion on family therapy and marriage and relationship programs; there has been an increase in the number of federal dollars spent on marriage and relationship education (MRE) to improve marriage skill and reduce divorce rates. And many debate whether or not these programs work; some believe that such programs are effective in helping couples identify their strengths and weaknesses while improving their relationships. Others argue that the success of these programs is hard to determine because although they may be useful for some adults, participants are often people who may need them least. In addition, some people argue that MRE programs don’t work and that the costs outweigh the benefits. While there are many constraints involved in marriage, marriage is considered by most people to be one of the most important rites of passage. 

2. What was interesting/what did you learn:
When I was reading chapter 10, several things came to my attention that I thought were very interesting. While chapter 8 discussed the principle of interest in dating relationships, I thought it was intriguing how chapter 10 connects the principle to marriage by proposing that those who are more committed to the marriage are more likely to have less power than those who are not committed/interested in the marriage; this source of power could lead those who are more committed to obey everything the other asks from them even if they don’t want to do it; they are manipulated to do anything for the other in order to stay together. Before reading this, I never really thought why when women are so devoted to their marriage that they will do almost everything for their husbands; but this now makes it clear that the reason could possibly be the fact that the husband has the power to control her as he sees that she will do almost anything because of her strong dedication to the marriage. 
I also found the boomerang generation explanation very unique; I have never heard of this term before, but thought it was a good way for explaining the generation of young adults who move back into their parents’ home after living independently for awhile. As the text brings up the poor economy as a possible reasoning for those young adults returning home because they may not be able to afford housing with its high costs, this makes a lot of sense and I think it is a very acceptable reason to move in with your parents; in fact, many of my friends who have graduated have moved back home because they do not have the money to afford to live by themselves right after college. Furthermore, I thought it was interesting how the chapter examines the positive and negative impacts boomerang children can have on their parent’s marital life; while having a children return home several times could cause stress and dissatisfaction with a marriage, it may also help if parents and their children have a good relationships and the child may provide physical and emotional support. This concept made me really think about what will happen to me after I graduate in April; will I become a boomerang child or will the economy get better, making it possible for me to continue to live on my own?  

3. Discussion Point:
I also thought the section about prenuptial agreements was worth discussing. In my opinion prenuptial agreements are a great way to control a marriage. They can layout each partners’ expectations and what they want or don’t want out of the marriage, thus they may eliminate some conflict/disagreements that may occur in the long run. In addition, they can make ending marriage less complicated because the reasoning/what steps will take place is already explained. However, the chapter also states that these contracts may become unrealistic overtime because in the future the attitudes and behavior of a couple may change overtime. This made me really stop and think on whether or not prenuptial agreements truly only work with people whose mindsets remain the same throughout their marriage. Do you think prenuptial agreements are beneficial for couples to form before marriage? Or do you think they are useless as couples might change their expectations over time?