Chapter 10

Summary:

In Chapter 10 we learned about:

- Examples of the correct reasons for marrying:
• Love and companionship
• Children
• Adult identity
• Commitment and personal fulfillment
• Continuity and permanence

- Examples of the wrong reasons for marrying:
• Social legitimacy
• Social pressure
• Economic security
• Rebellion or revenge
• Practical solutions to problems

- Many wedding rituals/practices highlight the idea that marriage is a bond of lovers who are willing to make a lifelong commitment to each other.

- Examples of marriage rituals in the United States:
• Engagement
• Showers
• Bachelor/ bachelorette parties
• The wedding

- Marriages that occur in the United States:
• Conflicted-habituated marriage
- Partners fight physically and verbally. However, the partners do not feel that fighting is a good reason for divorce.
• Devitalized marriage
- Partners were deeply in love at the time of there wedding. As time goes on raising children, and entertaining, etc. can put a strain on the couple. Couples feel they need to do these things because they feel they have to as a married couple. The couple gets along, and they do not feel the need for divorce.
• Passive-congenial marriage
- Partners have low emotional investment towards there marriage and have few expectations of each other. The couple often maintains separate activities and interests. The couple point out the realism of there marriage verses emotional intensity.
• Vital marriage
- Partners spend a lot of time together, resolve conflicts through negotiation, and make sacrifices for each other. They consider sex to be an important asset, and they also consider sex to be pleasurable. Disagreements are resolved quickly and are based on a certain issue
• Total marriage
- Similar to vital marriage. Partners take part in their partner’s lives at all levels. Usually do not hold a lot of tension towards each other or have unresolved issues. The married couple share many facets of their lives. This type of marriage is more encircling than a vital marriage.

• 80% of the marriages fell in the first 3 categories
• Research named the last 2 categories intrinsic marriages because they are naturally rewarding

- Topics that are an important part of a successful marriage:
• Compatibility
• Flexibility
• Positive attitudes
• Communication and conflict resolution
• Emotional support

- Happily married couples are healthier and happier than unhappy married couples, widowed, divorced, and separated couples.

- Married couples have a lower rate in:
• Heart disease
• Cancer
• Stroke
• Pneumonia
• Tuberculosis
• Cirrhosis of the liver
• Syphilis
• Lower rate in automobile accidents
• Lower suicide rates

- Married couples are also less likely to suffer from:
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Other forms of psychological anguish

- Husbands are healthier than their wives because their wives provide a nurturing companionship
- Wives are less healthy because the women are more accustomed than men to the emotional quality of their marriage.
- The quality of our marriage plays a major role on our health or on our emotions

• On page 272 in chapter 10, provides information on what to ask yourself to see if your marriage is headed toward marital burnout
• Marital Burnout is the gradual loss of love and ultimate loss of an emotional attachment between partners

- Good communication is being able to express thoughts, feelings, and being able to listen. Those are critical points in being able to have good communication in all of our close relationships.

- Effective communication goals are developing ways of interaction such as:
• Clear
• Nonjudgmental
• Nonpunitive
• Resolving conflict through problem solving

- Communication involves both partners; many of us lack good communication skill despite our intensions. Common communication problems include:
• Not listening
• Not responding to the issue at hand
• Blaming, criticizing, and nagging
• Scapegoat
• Coercion or contempt
• The silent treatment

- Power and conflict are normal and predictable in close relationships
- Examples of power are:
• Love
• Money
• Access to information
• Particular abilities
• Talents

- Things that couples fight about:
• Money
• Housework
• Fidelity and sex
• Children

- 4 techniques to end- not typically resolve conflict are:
• Accommodation
• Compromise
• Standoff
• Withdrawal

- Good ways to improve positive communication and decrease negative interaction patterns according to researchers and practitioners are:
• Ask for information
• Don’t generalize
• Stay focused on the issue
• Be specific
• Keep it honest
• Make it kind
• Express appreciation
• Use nonverbal communication
• Just listen

Interests/ Unusual Items Learned:

Considering that I am not married, and I did not know a lot of information on how to have a happy and healthy marriage, I found chapter 10 to be informative and interesting because of the following topics:
- How to communicate better
- Proper reasons for wanting to get married
- Explanation on wedding rituals
- Topics that will help make your marriage a success
- Before I say “I Do” questions on page 265
* These topics have helped me to be more prepared for whenever I am ready to get married.

Discussion:

Since marriage is one of the most life altering facets of human existence, it can also be considered one of the most valuable rites of passage a person can take in their lifetime. In 2006, when Congress approved $100 million a year for five years for marriage and relationships education in high schools, marriage skills training programs, and a range of divorce reduction programs, I felt that to be money well spent. It was also interesting to see that people are turning to family therapy and counseling programs for premarital testing. Even though the data is mixed, this is a step in the right direction since divorce rates are high, and some social scientists seem to think that in the United States there is more of a “Marriage problem”.

Natalie Sebula