Chapter 10: Marriage (E.Y.)

1) Summary

People get married for various reasons; some seek love and companionship, some want to have children, some feel they became adults and want to share their lives with someone they love in a stable, committed, fulfilling relationship that is recognized legally. Although these are good reasons to get married some people tie the knot for not-so-good reasons such as; social pressure or legitimacy, economic wellbeing, for practically solving some problems, or even for rebellion or taking revenge.

Marriage process usually starts with an engagement and celebrated with a wedding. More recently, many couples also involve signing prenuptial agreements as part of their marriage rituals.

Marriages come in different flavors as well; conflict-habituated, devitalized, passive-congenial, vital and total marriages are the most common forms in the U.S., although studies suggest that marriage structures are more complex. In the world there are even more variations such as child brides and LAT (living apart together) marriages.

Some married couples live their lives happily eve r after. These couples owe their happy marriages to factors such as compatibility, flexibility, positive attitudes, effective communication and conflict resolution skills, and continuously supporting each other emotionally.

Marriage also seems to have positive effects on health, especially for husbands. Research suggests that married men live a happier and healthier lives than their counterparts. However some men may have negative effects such as obesity, alcohol usage, diabetes or heart disease. Married women on the other hand are at a greater risk for depression and exhaustion, which is especially valid for African American women.

Marriage itself does not make life happier but improves an already happy life. However some marriages are still troubled. Unhappy marriages sometimes end in the court but in some other cases leads to marital burnout. If the marital burnout persists and the couple cannot resolve their issues, they may still seek divorce as a final resort.

How married individuals behave in their family lives is determined by their marital roles. Apparently marriage is perceived differently by men and women leading to his vs. her marriage. Some wives do "wife-work" which benefits their husband in many aspects. In households where wives work, husbands seem to contribute more to household duties. Although women do most of the work and there is a great imbalance in sharing duties, studies suggests that many women think that their husbands contribute at fair levels. Moreover having children adds more to housework especially for women. In turn , mothers seem to be more prone to depression if there is a great imbalance in duty sharing and they have little to no decision-making power.

The early years of marriage starts with determining the roles of each spouse. They also figure out financial responsibilities and each others spending characteristics. Similarly, they also get to know each other in other aspects. Later couples may choose to become parents, although children enrich a couples lives sometimes it can be stressful as well. Especially adolescents may create conflicts and tensions in the family when they try to claim their autonomy and independence. In midlife, couples try to maintain in-laws, as well as try to deal with the empty nest syndrome when their children leave home. Interestingly, some children boomerang back to the nest which in itself is another reason for dissatisfaction with family life. Finally, the last stages of marriage involve retirement of the couple and trying to maintain a healthy life.

As indicated earlier, communication is essential to maintain a healthy marriage. However many people seem to misunderstand each other due to poor communication. It is also indicated that women and men have different communication styles, although some researchers consider this dichtomy to be a stereotype. Some common communication problems are; not listening properly (or at all), not responding to the issue in discussion, blaming, nagging, criticizing each-other, scapegoating, coersion and the silent treatment. Some sources of problems can also arise from power imbalances. In addition to these communication related issues, there are also topics that couples fight about. These include money, housework, fidelity, sexual problems, and children. Some families resolve these problem by effective communication however in some cases couples chose to go to marital counseling for guidance.

2) Interesting points

I thought the section describing the "wife-work" was very true. In addition, I thought it was interesting that men seem to benefit more from a marriage than women and women may suffer more from depression. Also marriage burnout section seemed very interesting.

3) Questions

If men seem to experience more marital satisfaction than their peers and women end up doing most of the house and child duties as well as take care of their husbands via "wife-work" and be more likely to suffer from depression, then why does it seem as if many young women can't wait to get married but men try to delay something seemingly so beneficial for them?

Eser Y.