Chapter 11: Becoming parents (E.Y.)

This chapter focuses on becoming parents, a process which starts with pregnancy or adoption. Couples approach pregnancy and becoming parents from multiple aspects; planners want to have children and discuss it, acceptance-of-fate couples are usually surprised by a pregnancy that they willingly embrace, ambivalent couples may have second thoughts about the pregnancy and becoming parents, and yes-no couples do not agree on this issue however may proceed to parenting usually by the choice of the mother-to-be.

Parenthood may bring great joy to an adult's life even they do not rely on future care by their offspring. Becoming a parent can also bring a new dimension to a couple's lives. On the other hand, being a parent is very expensive and new parents may feel fatigued and anxious. Also pregnancy and childbirth can be both exhilarating and/or tough.

Traditionally people believed that marriage benefits from and is enhanced with children which however seems to actually suffer more instead. Mothers and fathers are affected by becoming parents differently. Mothers may have baby blues and in some cases postpartum depression the latter of which needs medical treatment. The role of mothers is more stressed in the society, thus fathers may see themselves left out while striving to be good parents at the same time.

Fertility rates in US is approximately 70 births per 1000 capita. There are many factors affecting fertility rates of a population. In addition, US also has higher infant mortality rates than most other developed countries. Also, people delay parenthood for a number of reasons. Some of these reasons are: Being single and not wanting to parent a child alone, building enough economic security to take care of family, making sure the relationship between the couple is stable enough to start a family, or changes in economy. Some common positive characteristics of older parents are that mothers seem to be more educated than younger moms and younger mothers are more likely to parent children with birth defects. Both older men and women can build up careers and have more maturity by the time they become parents. However there are also some disadvantages such as; having children with autism or Down syndrome, experiencing generation gaps at more pronounced levels, or being mistaken for a grandparent.

Some people have trouble conceiving due to infertility. Three major reasons for female infertility are failure to ovulate, blocking of Fallopian tubes, or endometriosis. Male infertility is usually attributed to sluggish sperm or low sperm counts. Couples also react to infertility differently. Some individuals, especially women, are devastated and blame themselves for not being able to become parents or living up to the social expectations. Infertile couples may also feel isolated in public or family events where there are many couples discussing joys and negative aspects of parenthood. Some may use it as an advantage to focus on their careers but a majority of the couples that really want to raise a family considers adoption.

Adoption is taking a child's legal and daily responsibilities and raising him/her as part of one's own family. Transracial adoptions involve adopting a child from a different racial or national origin. The more commonly seen form involves adopting African-origin kids into white households. Some people oppose this idea either because they believe foster care is more beneficial for the society in general or because they have doubts that white families can teach about African-American culture at the needed levels, or how the children will learn about issues such as discrimination and racism. Adoption can also be open, semi-open or closed. Sometimes adoptive parents change their minds and adoption is dissolved, an issue that remains controversial.

With the advancement od technology, many couples resort to infertility treatments. Some common forms are drug treatments to support ovarian stimulation or sperm production, Artificial insemination is also a common technique. In vitro fertilization, surrogacy or prenatal testing procedures help to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.

Although many couples choose to adopt or undergo expensive treatments to become parents, some people decide not to have babies. Some women chose to end their pregnancy via abortions. Most of these women chose abortion in order to be able to better take care of their other children or because they are not able to provide for a child for various reasons. Abortion opponents try to influence public decisions and by telling that abortions are unsafe. Actually abortions do not lead to any medical conditions as these activists claim. However abortion rates decreased over time due to several additional factors. These include availability of birth control and lower number of health care facilities offering such services. In addition, some couples chose to remain child-free due to various reasons. Although it is expected that married couples have children, child-free marriages are becoming more accepted than before.

New Insights:

Before reading this chapter I didn't know that adoption process takes 6-7 years within US. It was even more interesting to learn that international adoptions takes significantly less time, such as 1-2 years. This difference may affect the choices prospective adoptive parents make especially if they do not want to wait too long to care for a child.

Questions:

I personally know that disagreements about having (or not having) children can lead to serious problems in a relationship but how important do you think is this issue for relationship stability? For example, if you were in a great relationship with someone (or married to a great person) who just does not want to have any kids ever while you really want one or vice versa, what would you do? Will you compromise or try to get the other person to give up, or give up on the relationship and settle down with someone less ideal just to have (or not have) kids?

Eser Y.