Chapter 10 Marriage and Communication in Intimate Relationships

Summary

Although love and compassion is perhaps the most common reason for marriage and is the reason usually assumed to be behind marriages, people marry for many different reasons. Among those that are less often thought of are 'in order to see oneself and for others to see them as an adult' or 'because one experiences social pressure.' For whatever reason one marries, the process of marriage often includes rituals of engagement, bridal showers, bachelor or bachelorette parties, and of course, marriage ceremonies. Some marriages (about 20%) also include prenuptial agreements, or contracts between marriage partners that secure one's own personal property or assets in case of a divorce.

Marriages can be categorized into five types based on how married partners interact, the extent to which they interact, and the strength of emotional ties.

Using the different categories for marriage types, researchers discuss marital stability and marital satisfaction in order to assess marital success and happiness. They find that race, education, religiosity, and age affect marital success. They also find that couples are happier when they are more compatible, flexible, have positive attitudes, communicate and resolve conflict, and provide each other emotional support.

Regarding how health affects marriage, married people are in general more healthy than single people. Within marriages, men are generally more healthy than women because they do not have as much non-physical/emotional work nor domestic work.

Married peoples settle into marital roles or schemes for how one should behave within marriage, most often according to gender. This may be discussed in terms of division of household labor or emotional maintenance.

One section of the chapter assesses how marriage changes as couples age and as there relationship develops. Young married couples deal with becoming independent, financially and otherwise. Middle age couples deal with such issues as relationships with in-laws and "empty nest syndrome". Older couples are found to be most happy -- they deal with retirement and health.

Finally, the chapter examines communication in marriage, noting certain trends. Married couples often fight about financial issues, infidelity, and housework. It also notes the differences in speech between men and women, where women are more expressive in their speech and men are more instrumentive with their speech.

What I learned

I found the categories of marriages and the studies about who was in which category as very interesting. Only 15% of people are in vital marriages and only 5% in total marriages. That is a problem that should be examined with respect to what couples fight about, but also with respect to other social stressors that may have negative affects on marital stability/satisfaction/success.

Questions/Concerns

The book seems to be making value judgements about the proper circumstances for marriage by distinguishing 'right' and 'wrong' reasons to get married. Either it is making value judgments or describing judgments that a majority of people hold.

Does anyone agree or disagree with the following categorization from the book? Do you think that a clear majority of people would agree with this categorization?

Right Reasons: for love and companionship, in order to have children, in order to see themselves and be seen by others as an adult, in order to connect with someone (through commitment)

Wrong Reasons: so that babies are not born out-of-wedlock, because one experiences social pressure, in order to gain economic security, rebellion or revenge, for practical solutions to problems