Chapter 10

Summary:

The main focus of chapter 10 was marriage and communication in intimate relationships. This chapter starts off by explaining why people get married including some of both the right and wrong reasons. Some of the right reasons mentioned include love and companionship, children, adult identity (meaning that it helps you state ‘I am an adult’), commitment and personal fulfillment, and continuity and permanence. On the other hand, some of the wrong reasons for marriage included social legitimacy, social pressure, economic security, rebellion or revenge, and practical solutions to problems. The chapter continued to discuss what we expect out of marriage, such as what the typical marriage rituals are, including the engagement and the wedding. This section also discussed love and prenuptial agreements. Closely following this topic is the types of marriages. Types of marriages in the United States were discussed first. These included conflict-habituated marriage, devitalized marriage, passive-congenial marriage, vital marriage, and total marriage. Following the United States, other cross-cultural variations of marriage types were briefly discussed. Chapter 10 continues to discuss for marital success and happiness which cover statistics on whether married couples are actually happy and what is important in a successful marriage. This includes things such as compatibility, flexibility, positive attitudes, communication and conflict resolution, and emotional support. The following section of this chapter discusses how marriage affects health. It begins with talking about the health benefits of marriage and the selection and protection effect, and then continues to discuss gender and health, including the topics with why husbands are healthy and why wives are less healthy. This section also discusses the marital quality and health which includes marriage and life satisfactions that come with it, and the troubled marriages. Following closely on a similar line is the topic of marital burnout which is the gradual deterioration of love and ultimate loss of an emotional attachment between partners. Chapter 10 then continues to discuss marital roles which are the specific ways in which married couples define their behavior and structure their time. Within this part of the chapter Benokraitis covers ‘his and her marriage,’ the variations in domestic roles, and domestic roles and marital quality. The ‘his and her marriage’ basically discusses new roles, specifically covering the topic of identity bargaining, which is when partners negotiate adjustments to their new roles as husband and wife. When variations in domestic roles were discussed, it primarily covered the idea of gender and stated that in 1976 women did an average of 26 hours of housework a week compared with about 17 hours in 2005, and employment and how that has affected such roles within the domestic area. It also covers the topics of how the presence of children and the social class has affected the domestic area. Chapter 10 continues with the discussion of how marriages change throughout the life course. The first stage that is discussed is the early years of marriage, in which the first year of marriage and the basic adjustments that need to be made are discussed and along with the settling in of marital stress. The second phase of this section is marriage and children. This section discusses the young children in a family and their life up and through an adolescents and how it affects the marriage. Following marriage and children is marriage at midlife. This occurs between the ages of 45 and 65 in which intergenerational ties and relationships with in-laws become the center of discussion. Also within this section is the discussion of the ‘empty nest syndrome’ and the boomerang generation, which are the children who leave the nest that come back home after living independently for a while. The final phase of marriage is marriage in later life. This includes the retirement and health and well-being of the older couples and their individual lives. Slightly switching topics this chapter then goes on to discuss communication and its role as a key to a successful relationship. Starting off with what is considered good communication, this chapter discusses some communication goal and what we and others should feel as the main points that we should convey and self-disclosure which is telling another person about oneself and one’s thoughts and feelings. Also in this section is the discussion of how sex difference effect communication, such as women’s and men’s speech and the gender roles and social context of the communication. This continues to establish some of the largest communication problems among partners which include not listening, not responding to the issue at hand, blaming, criticizing, and nagging, scapegoating, coercion or contempt, and the silent treatment. Other issues that are experienced within relationships are power and conflict. These conflicts lead us into the next section of this chapter which covers what couples fight about. The most common among these are money, housework fidelity and sex, and children. Some of the ways that these couples deal with the conflicts include common conflict resolution approaches, such as accommodation, compromise, standoff, and withdrawal. The final section of this chapter covers productive communication patterns. This section discusses ways of improving your communication style with things such as asking for information, not generalizing, staying focused on the issue, being specific, and being honest. The section also concludes with family therapy and marriage and relationship programs. Here, it discusses marriage education programs and how they are effective but also have mixed results and sometimes do not work at all.

What was interesting/what did I learn:

I found it interesting that a larger percentage of women are reporting being less happily married than men. What surprises me even more is that this has been a generally consistent factor. Although it did not surprise me that marital happiness decreases when couples face poverty, job loss, and financial problems, I feel like there are not enough of these cases presently that would create women being less happily married. It was a little shocking that the book would bring such a case to the forefront and yet not give any substantial proof or concrete facts as to why this is the case. Considering I am not married, I feel like it might be safe to speculate that this could be the case due to the women feeling like they are working a double shift (a work life and a housecleaning life). Personally, I feel like I would be less happily married if I was the one taking care of the majority of things around the house if my husband was not even attempting to do the same amount.

Question:

Do you think the stress of teaching a child to live up to cultural expectations influences them on how they view marriage? I’ve noticed that more people our age do not emphasize marriage as a crucial part of current life, but if we do not marry until later will that change the different phases that a married couple normally experiences?