Chapter 10 delves into the concept of marriage and communication in intimate relationships. More specifically chapter ten covers the expectations and rituals associated with marriage, how marriages change over time and if there are communication patterns that can strengthen or hinder intimate relationships. The chapter begins by looking at factors involved in the decision to get married. Some of the right reasons for getting married are love and companionship, having children, supporting your adult identity, allowing for commitment and personal fulfillment, and for continuity and permanence. The book also outlines some not-so-right reasons for tying the knot. These include social legitimacy, social pressure, economic security, rebellion or revenge, and for as a practical solution to problems. The chapter points out that marriage is not something that occurs just within the realm of the individual and that there are certain rituals that take place. Some of these marriage rituals include engagement, bridal showers and bachelor parties and of course the wedding itself. Next the chapter outlines Cuber and Haroff’s (1965) five different types of marriages. These were conflict-habituated marriage, devitalized marriages, passive congenial, vital marriage, and a total marriage.
The book goes on to note factors associated with a successful marriage. These include compatibility, flexibility, positive attitudes, communication conflict resolution and finally emotional support. Marital roles are another important concept identified by the book. Marital roles are the specific ways in which married couples define their behavior and structure their time.
The book points out that conflict within intimate relationships is completely normal. The biggest sources of conflict according to the chapter are disagreements over money, household work and of course communication problems. When relationships and marriages do break up, it is typically because couples don’t know how to resolve that conflict. The book outlines negative coping strategies, which include criticizing, being defensive, complaining, and stonewalling as factors that could lead to negative relationship outcomes. However, most conflict can be appeased by using effective communication. The chapter concludes by asserting that marriage is one of the most important rites of passage that are available to us.
Something New/ Interesting
I found the box on page 264 called “Some Cherished Wedding Rituals” especially interesting. One of the rituals I thought was interesting to learn about was of the origins of both the best man and carrying the bride over the threshold. Before the 12th century the function of the best man was to aid in the capture and kidnap of a women usually from another tribe. Carrying the bride over the threshold symbolized the kidnapping of a daughter who did not want to leave her father’s house.
Discussion Point
Women’s rights advocates see practices involving child brides as inhumane. Do you think that we have a right to look down upon something that is seen as so important in some cultures because it clashes with our view of what is right and wrong? Or does it transcend culture?
-Ali Mosser
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