1) Summary
Dating is the process of selecting an eligible mate with whom the dating person plans to engage in a long term relationship. According to sociologists, dating is the ''marriage marketplace", every participant has a price and resources to offer to the other party. Although young Americans are not dating as often as previous generations did, mate selection processes are still popular and come in more varieties.
People date for manifest or latent reasons. On a conscious level people date because they are seeking for a mate, companionship, love and intimacy; they want to have fun and involve in recreational activities with a person they like; or simply to imply that they are mature. Unconscious reasons why people date include the need for socialization and learning about others; for increased social status or showing off to be with an attractive mate; fulfilling the needs of their ego and feeling wanted; to have opportunities for sexual experimentation.
Dating comes in many flavors. Traditional dating has clear-cut gender roles with men asking out the women, paying for the date and providing transportation. Coming-out ceremonies mark the start of adulthood in various cultures and going steady involves being in a dating relationship for a while in which parties do not seek other mates for the duration. Hanging out is a newer way of socializing in which a group of friends meet and socialize in a definite place with participants coming and going at variable schedules. Getting together is a little more structures form of hanging out, usually friends meet all in one place and then together may switch to a different location. Hooking up is a more physical relationship that involves minimal emotions. People may kiss, engage in certain sexual activities but provide no commitment. Although it is cheaper than a formal date, it comes with disadvantages especially for the female; a woman who hooks up is seen as easy or a bitch but a man is seen as "scoring" by hooking up and may be praised by his peers for his "accomplishments".
There are also combinations between tradition and contemporary arrangements. These include proms, homecoming parties, and dinner dates. Although traditionally men were paying for all dinner and transportation costs, feminist movements encouraged women to go "dutch", where each party pays their own expenses. This approach relived the tension from women to feel pressured to pay back for the expenses in some way, such as kissing the date at the end of the night. On the other side it also empowered women to initiate dates as well, even though it is not clear and a little confusing for participants in these cases who pays what portion of the dates.
People meet possible mates through several options. Some people use classified ads or online dating services. In these types, people sometimes exaggerate their qualities and may not be reliable. Some men who are dissatisfied with the available women order wives from a menu using mail-order bride services. However either majority of these men are abusive and dangerous or brides come to gain entry to the U.S. Some people hire professional matchmakers and rely on these professionals to find themselves suitable mates. Another way to meet people is to participate in speed dating, in which you date several people in a row a few minutes each and then rate whom you'd like to meet again. However, majority of people seem to find their mates at work, school, college, or through relatives and friends.
Filter theory helps us to understand how we select our mates. First, people meet/date others in a geographically close area. Although most people don't admit it, physical appearance is another important factor selecting dates, especially men want attractive mates. Thus many people, especially women, resort in online makeover services to make themselves more attractive. In addition many women select for cosmetic procedures to make themselves more attractive. Another important factor is race and gender. Although some date outside their race and gender, still many want to find a mate within the same circle. Religion may also be another important factor for especially for people with traditional values. Age is another factor that works especially against women because men tend to look for women that are younger. Next social class, values and personality are other factors that determine if a relationship will be viable.
Other theories of dating are social exchange theory and equity theory. According to the first one, people engage in a relationship with something to gain from and something to give to. In the latter, both partners want to benefit from the relationship that is egalitarian in nature, and if the balance is disturbed it may lead to conflicts or breaking up.
Wealth, age, and values are important determinants of mate selection in a global perspective. Although heterogamy is the norm in the Western cultures, homogamy is still observed in many Middle Eastern, Mediterranean or other cultures. Similarly some cultures rely on arranged marriages while others rely on dating and love for finding a life-long partner.
Although people aim to find a fun and loving person to spend time with, sometimes dating evolves into harmful relationships. There are power control and violence aspects of some relationships. It is proposed that the partner who is least interested in a relationship has more power than the other one. One reason people stay in this relationships is when one party assumes responsibility of taking care or heeling the other one. Another reason is that the abused is young and inexperienced and cannot recognize what is going on. The statistics are showing that these dysfunctional forms are widespread. Moreover, date rape is also very common; some men assume women want it but don’t want to admit it. History of family violence, gender roles, and peer pressure are some culprits behind these behaviors.
When a relationship does not work out, it leads to breaking up. Although breaking up is painful, it is a healthy aspect of our lives. It is indicated that breaking up does not happen as often as it should and people do not circulate enough before getting tied in a marriage.
2) Interesting/novel points
I thought the different methods people use to find mates was very interesting. Long time ago, I watched a movie called "birthday girl" with Nicole Kidman portraying a mail-order-bride, (here is the link: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0188453/ ) but at the time I watched it I naively assumed that mail-order bride was a made-up concept in that movie. I also didn't know that people are pouring money on workshops, makeover services, and matchmakers to find mates.
3) Discussion points
I wonder why people participate in speed-dating. It seems very superficial and rushed. How much can you tell about a person in a few minutes besides their physical characteristics?
A female friend of mine had an online dating profile with a "photoshop"ed picture and she never got a second date (because obviously she looked older, uglier, and chubbier in real life; and a few dates told her "Wow, you look nothing like your picture!" etc.). In this case it was just the picture but what percentage of online daters are totally honest with everything about themselves? Can you trust the descriptions of an online profile? If you have participated in online dating have you seen anybody admit any possible red flags?
Eser Y.
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