Chapter 8 Choosing Others: Dating and Mate Selection

Summary

How Often And Why Do We Date? -- Many young people (albeit above 18 years old) date. Dating may be viewed as a marriage market where people are determining who is best for them and at the same time finding that person. People have certain 'resources' and depending on these resources, can make certain 'trades'. Manifest functions of dating include maturation, fun and recreation, companionship, love and affection, and mate selection. Latent functions of dating include socialization, social status, fulfillment of ego needs, sexual experimentation and intimacy, and supporting businesses (or helping the economy).

The Dating Spectrum -- The chapter distinguishes between traditional and contemporary dating types: traditional dating is a formal means of meeting spouses that often employs gender role scripts and commitments to be exclusive with one person only (e.g. "going steady," "getting pinned," or "going with"); contemporary dating is a casual spending of time together that may include "hanging out (casual-unorganized)," "getting together (casual-organized)," or "hooking up (physical encounter)." There are also traditional-contemporary combinations, such as proms/homecomings, and dinner dates, where traditional formalities are followed by a casual spending of time together or include modifications in gender scripts.

Meeting Others -- Newer methods of finding people to date or marry include personal classified advertisements, mail-order brides, through professional matchmakers, speed dating, or cyber dating. Each of these methods has its advantages and disadvantages. For example, advantages of personal classified advertisments are that they are inexpensive and save time while the disadvantages are that people are so selective in what descriptors they use for themsleves that they provide an inaccurate picture of who they are.

Choosing Whom We Date -- Filter theory suggests that an individual does not have many potential partners, but rather only a few who have qualities that that individual finds desirable. Typically these desired qualities are qualities that that person has themself (this is called homogamy). Common desirable qualities include propinquity, similar physical appearance, ethnicity and race, similar religion, age, social class, and similar values and personality. Although most people make their dating choices based on homogamous models, an increasing number of people are heterogamous, chosing partners across social boundries with regards to sex, social class, faith, race, and ethnicity.

Why we choose each other: theories of mate selection -- Two theories arguing how individuals select mates are discussed in addition to Filter theory discussed previously: Exchange theory and Equity Theory. Exchange theory (as in all its applications) interprets the matter in terms of rewards and costs. When the rewards of being with someone outweigh the costs, there is pressure to enter into or stay in a relationship; however if the costs outweigh the rewards, there is pressure to not enter into or withdraw from a relationship. Equity Theory, by the same token, assesses what the a relationship is for each individual within the relationship -- if it is equitible for both individuals, then the relationship is 'happier'. If the relationship is not equitable, however, the more distressed the individuals are.

A Global View: Mate Selection Across Cultures -- Different cultures have different norms relating to partner-selection. Other non-western cultures place particular emphasis on wealth (in the form of dowries of bride prices), the minimum age for marriage is lower, and customs or values (rather than affection) is a basis for dating and marriage. Some cultures are heterogenous, typically with regard to wealth and age (and often where women need support). Other cultures are homogamous, where people who are more alike are seen as better suited for eachother. Additonally, in many other cultures there exists a system of arranged marriages, where parents chose who their children will marry.

Harmful Dating Relationships: Power, Control, and Violence -- Asymmetries in power exist in some relationships and to different extents. These can include nonphysical exertions of power (jealousy and blaming; coercion, intimidation and threats; isolation; emotional and verbal abuse) or physical exertions of power (physical abuse; sexual abuse). Concerning physical exertions of power in the form of sexual abuse, the book distinguishes acquaintance rape from the most common type of rape, date rape, and shows how family violence, perception of gender roles, peer pressure, and use of alcohol can influence rape.

Breaking Up -- There are both macro-level and micro-level causes/reasons for breaking up: macro-level reasons include moving away, couples from different racial or ethnic backgrounds and micro-level reasons include different interests, controlling behavior, and disillusionment. Most people are upset after breaking up, but the chapter suggests that breaking up is healthy.

What I learned

I was unaware of many of the ways in which people meet others -- I didn't realize that there were personal classifieds, or that mail-order brides were so popular.

Second, the book made explicit some of the conceptions that I had concerning the different uses of power according to gender -- where men are verbally aggressive and women are silently coercive.

Questions/Concerns

I would have liked to have seen more discussion for why we chose the people that we do. Exchange theory and its extention, equite theory, could not be the only theories and (as we have seen in our class discussions) are far from uncontroversial.

In my opinion, however, there needn't be any real 'theory' on why we chose the people that we do beyond (1) a description of the cultural norms, or in general, social mechanisms that influence the individual's decision-making and (2) a description of the psychological response to these social mechanisms. In other words, what does our culture say regarding who we should be with, what do our natural (cognitive) predispositions say, and how does the individual psychologically balance their cultural inclinations with their natural ones?