Chapter 16

Summary

Chapter 16 looks at the issues of remarriage and stepfamilies. It starts by looking at what it’s like to be single again after divorce and what dating is like.  It is common for people to begin dating before the divorce is even finalized. Usually it has to do with a competition between the couple to be the first to find someone new and get their life together. The ease of dating depends on how long the couple has been married; it is more difficult for a person who has been married longer to get back into the single mentality. Cohabitation is another alternative to dating after divorce. This is when the couple is divorced but live together to ease the stress on their children, which is common after a first divorce.

Forming a stepfamily happens by a spouse in the home having a biological child from a previous marriage but can be broader to include adoptive parents. Remarriage is common for stepfamilies. There is an entire industry directed towards second time brides.

Characteristics of remarried couples vary. Women are more likely to remarry than men, especially if she was a young bride. Young, divorced women are commonly married to older, divorced men. Older women have a harder time finding a man to marry because of children, success, and a smaller pool of eligible partners. White women have the highest remarriage rates when it comes to race and gender types. African Americans are the most likely to cohabitate rather than marry. Wealthy, divorced men are the most likely to be remarried while women typically face financial problems when they are divorced. Children also affect the likelihood of being remarried.

Remarriage is more complicated than a first time marriage and there are many stages that not all remarriages go through. Emotional remarriage is complicated by trust and relationships with each other’s relatives. Psychic remarriage is more individual and has to do with a personal identity. Community remarriage has to do with the friend’s feelings about the new partner. Parental remarriage is about the children, and what the biological parents and the stepparents roles will be. Economic remarriage is how the finances will change, and includes child support. Legal remarriage has to do with the actual process of being married by law.

There are differences between the first marriage and a remarriage. Most of this has to do with family composition. Stepsiblings and half siblings can become complicated. The children also gain a whole new family which can be confusing, especially for younger children. Role expectations change as well, depending on presence or absence of the child’s biological parent. It can change someone’s life path if they marry someone significantly younger or older who is in a different stage of life. There are also difference stresses that come from the changing of environment and resources.

The chapter gives a list of myths about remarriage that basically state that while remarriage may be a more attractive option than what the person’s current situation is, there are still things a new marriage cannot fulfill. There is the nuclear family myth, compensation myth, instant love myth, and the rescue fantasy. Remarriage does not always give the satisfaction the person is looking for, however the difference in happiness is small.

Stepfamilies come in different types. There are mother-stepfather families, father-stepmother families, and joint stepfamilies. Gay and lesbian families are also complicated by adoptions and stepchildren and have the same problems with those children as heterosexual families do.

Some characteristics of stepfamilies include, a complex structure, unique tasks, more stress and conflict, long-term integration, lengths of relationships, continuous transitions, troubles with cohesiveness, problems with flexibility, unrealistic expectations, lack of family history, loyalty conflicts, and ambiguous roles.

Living in a stepfamily means over coming some stereotypes, such as the “evil stepmother” stereotype. Another is the idea that the family will instantly bond and be happy together. Parenting is a big challenge in stepfamilies. There are problems like deciding what a child call their stepmother. They have to establish sexual boundaries between stepfamily members and worry about other legal issues like money. Parents have to figure out how to distribute their emotions evenly between all of their children and develop a relationship and discipline with their stepchildren. There are explanations for the effects of stepfamilies on children. There are the family stress theories, risk and resilience theories, social capital models, and the cumulative effects hypothesis.

There are, however, successful stepfamilies. They are successful because they develop realistic expectations, they let children mourn their loses, they forge a strong couple relationship, they take the step parenting role slowly, the stepparent takes on a disciplinary role gradually, stepfamilies develop their own rituals, and they work out satisfactory arrangements between the children’s households.

What I learned:

I thought Figure 16.2 was really interesting. This was the chart that showed how often we marry and remarry by gender and race/ethnicity. I found that it was interesting how few Asian Americans were married twice or more than three times. I think that really says something about their culture and how important their traditions are to them.

Questions raised:

This book was obviously out of date in saying that Will and Jada Pinkett Smith were not going to ever get divorced. What kind of example do you think Hollywood and the media set for marriage and divorce? Do you think people like Angelina and Brad Pitt make remarriage look too easy?