Chapter Six

Summary:

This chapter opens up with the notion that a person can like someone that they do not love, but they cannot love someone that they do not like. This would imply that for you to be in love with someone they would have to be your friend first. A friend is someone that you feel affection and respect for, you can count on them for help, and you feel you can talk about important personal things. There are eight that that love and friendships have in common; there are another three things that solely exist in love.

Love and Friendship
Enjoyment	Friends enjoy being with each other most of the time. They feel at ease despite occasional disagreements.
Acceptance	Friends accept each other the way they are. They tolerate faults and shortcomings instead of trying to change each other.
Trust	Friends trust and look out for each other. They lean on each other during difficult times.
Respect	Friends respect each other’s judgment. They may not agree with the choices the other person makes, but they honor his or her decisions
Mutual Support	Friends help and support each other without expecting something in return.
Confiding	Friends share experiences and feelings. They don’t gossip about each other or backstab.
Understanding	Friends are sympathetic about each other’s feelings and thoughts. They can often “read” each other without saying very much.
Honesty	Friends are open and honest. They feel free to be themselves and say what they think.
Only Love: Sexual Desire, Priority Over Other Relationships, and Caring To The Point of Self-Sacrifice

“Love is an elusive concept”. We all know what love feels like, and we have all experienced it, but there are so many different meanings and definitions associated with love that we cannot agree on one. There are difference such as “loving someone” (family and friends) and “being in love” (a romantic relationship), but all love is multifaceted, based on respect, and demanding. When it comes to attraction for romantic relationships, we are often attracted to people based on their age, race, social class, religion, sexual orientation, health, and/or physical appearance. Once in love, there are different levels in which caring (or wanting to help the other person by providing aid and emotional support), intimacy (the feeling of closeness, whether physical, affective, or verbal), and commitment (a person’s intention to remain in a relationship and work through problems) take place.

When talking about love, there are six theories one could use that this chapter mentions. There is the Biochemistry of Love, the Attachment Theory, Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love, Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, Lee’s Styles of Love, and the Exchange Theory. A description of each is as follows:

• Biochemistry of Love: When people lock eyes, touch hands, or smell something there is a release of chemicals in the brain. These chemicals are dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine. These effects do not last long, but once the infatuation stage dies down, endorphins are released. They calm the mind, eliminate pain, and reduce anxiety so that the person can feel comfortable and secure in the relationship. Also, the Biochemistry of Love say that breakups (or “broken hearts”) can actually effect the body; the breakup will cause the release of stress hormones that can cause chest pain and even heart attacks.
• Attachment Theory: This theory states that “our primary motivation in life is to be connected with our people because it is the only security we will ever have”. There are three different attachment styles:

Secure Style	I find it easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about getting abandoned, or someone getting too close to me.
Avoidant Style	I am somewhat comfortable being close to others, but I find it hard to trust the completely and depend of them. I get nervous when someone gets too close and when lovers want me to be more intimate than I am comfortable with being.
Anxious/Ambivalent Style	Others are not comfortable with getting as close as I would like to be. I worry that my partner does not really love me, or will not want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with someone else, and this desire tends to scare people away.

• Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love: This theory breaks love down into four stages. The first stage is rapport, where the couple gets to know each other based on cultural backgrounds with similar upbringings, social class, religion, and education level. The second stage is the self-revelation, where the couple is drawn closer by talking about hopes, desires, fears, and ambitions and engages in sexual activities. The third stage is mutual dependency, where the couple tends to depend on each other more, exchange ideas, jokes, and sexual desires. The final stage is personality need fulfillment, where the couple is now able to confide in each other, make mutual decisions, support each other’s ambitions, and bolster each other’s confidence. This cycle can be repeated many times over; the more time it is repeated the more likely the relationship will be long-lasting.
• Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love: This theory says that there are three components to love: intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment. Intimacy is the feeling of closeness, connectedness, and bonding. Passion is the factor that leads to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation. Decision/commitment are short-term and long-term characteristics; in the short-term the couple will make the decision to love each other, while in the long-term the couple will make a commitment to maintain that love over time. With these three components love can range from non-love (where none of these components are present) and consummate love (where all three of these components are present). Even though all of these components may be present, they can still vary in the intensity and over time for each partner. The more of a mismatch there is between these components, the more likely the relationship will not be satisfying
• Lee’s Styles of Love: Lee has six basic styles of loving.

Love Styles
Eros	Characterized by powerful physical attraction; epitomizes “love at first sight”; experience palpitations, light-headedness, and intense emotion desire; want to know everything about each other; want to be identified with each other as much as possible.
Mania	Characterized by obsessiveness, jealousy, possessiveness, and intense dependency; expressed as anxiety, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, headaches, and even suicide; manic people tend to have low self-esteem and low self-concept which makes them not attractive to people who have high self-esteem and a strong self-concept.
Ludus	Characterized as carefree and casual love; “fun and games”; ludic lovers tend to have several partners at one time, and they are not possessive or jealous, because they do not want their lovers to become dependent on them.
Storge	Characterized a slow-burning, peaceful, and affectionate love that comes with passage of the time and the enjoyment of shared activities; equivalent to companionate love (feeling of togetherness, tenderness, deep affection, sharing and supporting each other).
Agape	Characterized as altruistic, self-sacrificing love that is directed to all of humankind; kind, patient, never jealous or demanding, and does not seek reciprocity.
Pragma	Characterized as rational love based on practical considerations, such as compatibility; “love with a shopping list”; compatibility id based on background, education, religious views, occupational interests, or recreational interest; if things do not work out they just move on.

• Exchange Theory: This theory states that “romantic and long-term love relationships involve social exchange in the sense that they provide rewards and cost for each partner”. If the terms of the social exchange are mutually satisfying then the relationship will last, however, if one partner become unsatisfying with the exchange then the relationship may need to be re-evaluated. Our needs change as we grow, and our perception of costs and rewards change with them.

Love is a very functional aspect of life. It promotes the caring of infants which will make sure that the human species will survive. People who feel unloved, or unworthy of being loved, are at a greater risk for suicide. On the other hand, friends, family, and loving relationships during one’s lifetime can offset the normal wear and tear of our lives as we age. Through love children can acquire the confidence to face the world outside of the family. Lastly, LOVE IS FUN! Without love, life can be boring and stressful. Even though love has a lot of good to offer, it can still go bad; narcissists play games with love, there is jealousy, stalking, ultimatums, guilt trips, emotional and physical abuse, loving for the wrong reasons, and unrequited love.

New Things:

I found it interesting that there are different levels of intimacy. You tend to only hear of (or think about) the physical characteristic when talking about intimacy; affective and verbal intimacy are most likely the type of intimacy to come first, but they are the least highlighted in the love process by society.

Discussion Topic:

I was also surprised to find out that there were actually different styles of loving. I knew that not everyone loved the same but I did not know that there were six classifications. I want to pose the question of: Is six categories of love enough? Do these six categories fit everyone? Will many people overlap categories, or change their category as they mature? If so, can there really be six categories if everyone is kind of taking bits and pieces from each category?