Summary:
In this chapter of the book, Romance, love, and loving relationships are discussed. The book begins with a discussion of loving and liking. Discussed within this section are the topics self-love, friendship, and love and friendship. Self-Love is described in a similar way to how it sounds, in that it is love for oneself, which is seen “as essential for our social and emotional development and as a prerequisite for loving others.” Self-Love plays an important role in the development of self-esteem, in that people who develop self-love tend to be less demanding of others and be more open to criticism. A friend “is someone for whom you feel an affection and respect, can count on for assistance, and with whom you discuss important personal topics.” Friends, not surprisingly, can play a role in not only one’s physical health, but also one’s social and even psychological health. Friends also play a mediating factor in keeping stress to a minimum. Lastly, love and friendship is discussed. Eight important qualities of friendship were discussed here.
· Enjoyment è Pleasure and satisfaction when spending time together. Additionally a feeling of ease despite the occasional disagreement.
· Acceptance è Friends tolerate each other’s faults, and accept one another despite these faults.
· Trust è Belief and dependence on one another, especially in challenging times.
· Respect è Honor each others decisions regardless of how one feels about said decision.
· Mutual Support è Assist each other without the expectation of anything in return.
· Confiding è Share experiences between each other.
· Understanding è Sympathetic to each other’s thoughts and feelings.
· Honesty è Open and honest with each other.
The book then discusses how love envelopes all of these qualities, but also includes sexual desire, priority in that the loving relationship will be taken into consideration over other relationships, and caring (with self-sacrifice).
The book then discusses the topic of what love is. It begins by discussing some characteristics of love. One of these characteristics is that love is multifaceted. This entails that love is multidimensional, in that it varies a great deal over a variety of contexts. A second characteristic is that love is based on respect. This entails that love involves appreciating as well as yearning, rather than one or the other. A third characteristic of love is that love is often demanding. This entails that effort is needed in a long-term relationship, and additionally that it will not always be “picture perfect” as the popular media may try and make it seem. The book then moves onto the discussion of what attracts people to each other. Essentially, love is in many ways determined by socioeconomic standards in which a person lives. While growing up, the living conditions one is exposed to determine much about his/her social standing, and additionally determine a lot about the person that he/she will one day be interested in. Lastly, the book discusses whether lust and love differ. Lust is more of a physiological response than an emotional response. It mainly entails sexual desire, but not the other components of love that were discussed above. For a relationship to involve love, caring, intimacy, and commitment must all be present.
The book then discusses the topic of what caring, intimacy, and commitment entail. Caring is essentially “wanting to help the other person by providing aid and emotional support.” In addition to this, a person must also be receptive to the needs of the other person involved in the relationship. Intimacy primarily entails a feeling of closeness with another person. This does not have to be physical, as physical intimacy is just one small subsection of what all intimacy is. Intimacy consists of physical, affective, and verbal aspects. Lastly, commitment is an important aspect of love. Commitment is described as a person’s willingness to remain in a relationship, despite problems in the relationship.
Next, some theories about love and loving are discussed. The first theory is the biochemistry of love. Basically, theories based on biochemistry focus on how love is founded on things such as evolution, biology, and chemistry. The primary argument is that when people who love each other are around each other, their brains create chemicals such as PEO and endorphins, which have positive feelings for the individual. The two main problems with this perspective are that their research relies on very small sample sizes, and chemicals that trigger these responses can also be found in gamblers and computer gamers as well. The sociological perspective argues that rather than a chemical, culture plays a role in creating love. The second perspective discussed is the attachment theory. This theory proposes that people strive for a connection with others, and this is one’s primary motivation in life. This drives individuals into long-term loving relationships with one another. The third theory discussed is Reiss’s wheel theory of love. In this theory, Reiss discusses four main stages to love.
· Rapport.
· Self-Revelation.
· Mutual dependency.
· Personality need fulfillment.
The basis of this theory is that each of these stages occurs over and over, and can be repeated many times. The next theory discussed was Lee’s styles of loving. In this theory, he discusses six different aspects to love.
· Eros è This consists of love of beauty and physical attraction.
· Mania è This consists of obsessive jealousy and obsessiveness and may lead to anxiety, headaches, etc.
· Ludus è This consists of a casual love that consists of “fun and games.”
· Storge è This consists of a love based on mutual enjoyment and sharing of activities. It is developed over time rather than occurring quickly.
· Agape è This consists of love based on self-sacrifice.
· Pragma è This consists of rational love based on things such as compatibility.
The last theory is called the exchange theory. This theory views love as an exchange process in terms of reward and costs. As one ages, their perceptions of rewards and costs change, altering the relationship.
New/Interesting/Unusual Items Learned:
I never knew there were so many different theories on love. However, none of them really seem to grasp the theory of love as a whole as well as I would have expected (though this may be due to the fact that this is simply an introduction to many of these different theories).
Discussion:
I wonder how Reiss’s theory actually would argue how love actually works. It seems to do an excellent job at describing love, but does not seem to accurately depict how it actually operates, or rather how it actually works.
Karl Wahlen
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