Chapter 6

            Chapter 6 tackles the concept of romance, love, and loving relationships. The chapter begins by pointing out that love is a multifaceted phenomenon. It is so complex because it differs in intensity and degree in both different social contexts and for various people.  The first type of love discussed in the book is self-love, which eventually will lead to our ability to love others. The next type of relationship discussed is friendship, which the chapter argues brings about many important outcomes for our lives such as our overall well-being. The next concept stressed is the idea that friendship is really the root of love. In fact, the chapter points out that love and friendship share important characteristics like trust, respect, honesty, and mutual support. The chapter points out the minimal requirements for a loving relationship as: being willing to make room for the other person, tolerating his or her weaknesses, and having as much concern for the other person’s well-being as the well being of yourself. The chapter addresses the values that form the foundations of love and strengthen relationships and make love thrive. These characteristics are caring, intimacy, and commitment.

            The next section details the different theories proposed to understand love. The first is the biological perspective, which upholds that love is based in evolution, biology, and chemistry. The second are sociological perspectives, which maintain that culture not chemistry makes people fall in love. One highlighted theory is attachment theory, which argues that our primary motivation in life is to be connected with other people.

            The chapter points out some interesting facts about men and women in love. Even though many people would think that women are more romantic than men, the book tells us that men are actually usually more romantic than women and even seem to suffer more when a relationship ends. The chapter addresses more differences between men and women in respect to love. First, women are more likely to express love verbally and to put effort into a relationship. Nevertheless, it is important to note that, as in most differences between men and women, there are more similarities than differences between women’s and men’s romantic relationships.

            Next, the chapter discusses obstacles to love. The author breaks these obstacles down into the macro and micro levels. Some of the macro-level obstacles include different demographic factors, the double standard, our emphasis on individualism, family pressures, the depersonalization of mass society, and a negative view of gay and lesbian love. The micro-level obstacles include childhood experiences and personality characteristics. In addition to the obstacles to love, the chapter points out behaviors that can harm love. Some of them include narcissism, jealousy, making the other person feel guilty, causing emotional or physical harm and withdrawing love.

            Finally, the chapter makes a distinction between romantic love and long term love. While romantic love can be exciting, it often only lasts a short time. On the other hand, long-term love is typically more constant and secure and actually adapts over one’s lifetime. The chapter concludes by asserting the great diversity that exists among cultures and among people in how love is expressed. While some cultures accept love others believe that it is more important to marry someone who your parents and family approve of than someone you love.

Interesting Point

I thought the box “do I love you? I changed your oil, didn’t I?” was very interesting. It put forth an explanation by sociologist Francesca Cancian for why men seem less loving than women. She posits that the problem lies in women’s definition of love. According to her, women identify love with talking about feelings and emotional expression whereas men identify love with physical aspects such as providing help, and sharing activities. She calls this the feminization of love. Because of this men typically don’t get credit for the actions they consider loving. One of the problems with the feminization of love is that it creates conflicts over intimacy between men and women. It creates a terrible cycle where women demand more verbal affection and the man feels pressured and pulls back and then she tries harder and it ends in conflict.

Discussion:

Thinking about the above section on the feminization of love… Cancian argues that women have feminized love. Do you think that feminized love (emotional expression, intimacy, talking about feelings) is portrayed as the ideal in film and media? Do you think this perpetuates the idea that this is how love should be? 

-Ali Mosser