Chapter 6

1. Summary

Some qualities that are very important in friendships are: enjoyment, acceptance, trust, respect, mutual support, confiding, understanding, honesty, sexual desire, priority over other relationships, and self-sacrifice. People sometimes differentiate between "loving someone" and "being in love." However, both deman a lot of time and energy and requires a lot of respect from all parties. During romantic relationships, a difference must be made between falling in love and falling in lust with someone. "Lust is a physiological (not emotional) response that we have to someone." Also, all relationships that involve love also have caring, commitment, and intimacy. There are multiple theories about why we fall in love: it is a biological reaction that aids in evolution and leads to reproduction, the attachment theory (our motivation in life is to be with other people--this relates to the attachment theory by Mary Ainsworth in psychology), Reiss's wheel theory of love (there are four stages of love--rapport, self-revelation, mutually dependency, and personality need fulfillment), Steinberg's triangular theory of love (love has three important components--intimacy, passion, and decision/commitment), Lee's style of loving (there are six styles: eros, mania, ludus, storge, agape, and pragma), and lastly, the exchange theory--all longterm relationships provide rewards and costs for each other during different stages of a person's life. After all of these theories as to why and how we love, the book turns its focus onto how loving others benefits us. Firstly, it ensures human survival--we reproduce! Next, it helps our emotional and physical health. It also improves the quality of our lives and is fun! Interestingly, men seem to fall in love faster than women and women and men each have different definitions as to what being intimate entails. Another shade to look at this chapter in is the "when love goes wrong" section. Narcissism and insane jealousy can occur when love goes bad. Jealousy can lead to stalking and even attempted murder as in the case of Lisa Marie Nowak, the NASA astronaut. Techniques such as saying the phrase "if you loved me," using guilt trips, abuse, and being with someone only to avoid loneliness are all ways that faking love can harm others. Lastly, the book moves to talk about different views of love globally. In Western cultures, we tend to have romantic love, whereas in other cultures such as India, love is usually arranged by communities or by parents.

2. Interesting & What I Learned

I found Lee's style of loving very interesting. I decided to do a quick experiment of my own using the "What do you expect from love?" on page 146. I decided that I was the style of "storge"--being in love to me is like a very deep friendship. I asked my boyfriend of a year and a half how he views love. Interestingly, he answered "agape!"

3. Questions

How would you describe romantic love?

--Bonnie Noel