Summary:
Chapter 6 dives into the abyss of love and all that it has to offer. The author begins the chapter with describing what love is: an emotion AND behavior which is essential to "human survival." This statement set the tone for the rest of the chapter. The description of love being a feeling and an action gives the reader the sense that there is more to love than what most people know. The author then analyzes self love and how it is good for ones self esteem. The elevation of ones esteem can be attributed to friends as well, which is described as someone you feel affection and respect for, who is dependable and you feel you can converse with. Friends effect our overall health, but the difficulty is finding out who is a real friend.
Qualities of a friendship: Enjoyment, acceptance, trust, respect, mutual support, confiding, understanding and honesty.
Love is multifaceted meaning it has many dimensions, based on respect which should be mutual & demanding meaning it requires alot of time and energy. The book touches on the difference between lust and love but not too much.
Attraction can be a factor in love of course, but the core values are said to be caring, intimacy (self disclosure- communication where one person shares deep information w/ expectation that it'll be reciprocated) and commitment. It is said that men have trouble with this, but that is variable.
The chapter touches on love from a biological and sociological perspective (mainly culture) and how love can interpreted in those ways.
Attachment theory for example : Our primary motive in life is to be connected with other people. This occurs even at birth. they did experiments on infants and how they differ when their mother is physically taken out of their life for a brief moment. They suggest that this can extend through adulthood and manifest itself in different ways.
The chapter discusses 'the wheel theory of love' which suggests that there are different types of love and the social exchange theory which explains the rewards and costs each partner experiences in love. Different types of love can even touch the sex side pertaining the same sex relationships. But nonetheless, good love shows itself in many ways, but we forget that bad love can do the same thing.
New & interesting:
The biology of love is said to be grounded in evolution, biology and chemistry. One might think the chemistry between a couple, but it is somewhat deeper than that. The process that love takes in the end is supposed to bring people together, which should end in marriage and then conclude in children. That is the basis of it all. pro-creation and the need to reproduce. As human beings, we try our best to survive at all costs, so from a biological perspective, love is a tool we use to keep the species alive.
Question:
Concerning bad types of love, abusive relationships seem to be on the rise. What can one do to get out of those types of relationships even if there are shades of good in it?
A very deep question, abusive relationships are very complex. Abusers have several control strategies to keep the abused in the relationship. These include, possessiveness, guilt trips, blaming the abused for abuse and being very convincing in their arguments, threats that may be sugar-coated at times, and make the abused depend on them completely (controlling all finances, decisions, who/when they will see who).
ReplyDeleteTo get out of an abusive relationship the abused needs to boost their self-confidence which probably eroded to some degree; then they can love themselves and think that they don't deserve to be abused. This is also true for not taking the blame (or the abuser's justification) for the abuse; such as "If I cleaned the carpet better, I wouldn't get yelled at", "If I put less salt in food, he wouldn't punch me"...
They also need to re-prioritize their love. They shall not have the love for the abuser at the top since this is a pathological relationship, but love for themselves and kids if any.
Next, the abused needs to come out of the closet. They need to confide in people they trust and who will likely support and guide them. This may be hard if the abuser is extremely possessive, since the abused may have little to no friends and distanced from her family. However, it is not impossible. This is also critical to slip out of "denial" by confirming (and making public) what they go through is abuse. Counselling helps probably to see it clearly and to get ready to leave.
Also, the abused needs to break the cycle. She shall not fall for empty promises to change or temporary great times when the abuser pours his affection. She needs to realize that 1)she can never become the perfect partner the abuser demands, 2)abusers very rarely change and the abused cannot change them, 3) abuse escalates over time and gets more dangerous.
Eser Y.