Is Changing Dating the Best way to Change Marriage?

I'm introducing this question in response to two previous chapters that we have read. It deals with Chapter 8 because it is about dating. It deals with Chapter 9 because if after reading this chapter, one acknowledges a 'marriage problem', the next logical question is how the institution of marriage might be changed to resolve this 'marriage problem'. When I talk about ‘dating’ here, I should be clear that it is dating in the relationship sense, not dating in the sense of ‘going on a date’.

So, assume that marriage is an institution that requires some changes (to be more compatible with your personal beliefs, to be more functional, or for whatever reason): is changing dating the best way to change marriage? Before attempting to answer this question, I will first show some ways that dating influences marriage.

Dating influences marriage in the following ways: (1) our conception of 'dating' influences our conception of 'marriage' and (2) our dating practices influence our marriage practices.

1 - A common perception of 'dating' is that it is "that which leads to marriage," that it involves certain commitments that are added to and/or strengthened with marriage. It is counterintuitive to think that dating just is marriage -- the only difference being some events (proposal, marriage ceremony...) and some physical remnants/manifestations of those events (ring, wedding attire...)*. And so there is a very popular tendency, before we even settle on a definition of 'dating' or 'marriage', for people to want to separate them and say that they have different meanings. So if we say dating is one thing, marriage better be something else. Not only must it mean something else, but it must mean something more (in some respect). This is just one of the ways in which our conception of 'dating' influences our conception of 'marriage'.

2 - How do our dating practices influence our marriage practices? We act in accordance with concepts (i.e. what certain things mean to us). If our concept of dating influences our concept of marriage, then also our dating practices will influence our marriage practices. .That is, for any change in practical concepts there is a corresponding change in practice. A second answer to how our dating practices influence our marriage practices is that perhaps we can identify certain trends. For example, it may be that, in general, the longer that a couple dates (up to a certain point), the longer that their marriage will last -- or that the more that they like each other in dating, the more satisfied they will be in marriage, and so on. So for any given person, we could estimate that for them to date a certain way rather than another would affect the marriage that they have. This type of thinking is not strange for us. **

I have so far shown that dating influences marriage but this is not the main concern. The main concern is whether changing dating is the best way to change marriage. I break that question into the following two questions -- (i) What about marriage is to be changed? (ii) Are those who are dating in a better position to make these changes than those who are married?

(i) Let us consider some aspects of marriage that are (theoretically) capable of being changed:

Duration of relationships

Intensity of relationships

Satisfaction derived from relationships

Functionality of relationships

Rules of relationships

What must be changed in order to resolve the marriage problem are social norms that form the backbone of what marriage practices are and how they are perceived to be. We are looking to change the rules or norms of relationships, and through doing so, will be changing their duration, intensity, satisfaction, and/or functionality.

(ii) These aspects of marriage may be changed from three vantage points -- that of a single person, that of a married person, or that of a dating person.

It would be most difficult for a single person to change the rules of marriage, for they are not even in a relationship. They cannot behave in certain ways that are outside of the norms of relationships in order to change those norms.

It would be less difficult for a married person to change the rules of marriage than a single person. They can behave in certain ways outside the norms of marriage in order to change those norms. Their restraint, however, is that by being married, they have already taken the institution as it is for granted. If they behave differently, then their behaviors may not meet the expectations of their spouse or others around them.

It would be least difficult for a dating person to change the rules of marriage. They would do this by changing the rules of dating or what it means to “date”. These changes would influence marriage in the ways already discussed – by influencing both concept and practice. For example, to eliminate casual dating and establish strict rules of commitment would certainly change marriage – both the concept of marriage and the practices involved. The concept of marriage would be one of even more commitment (in negative terms, there would be fewer expectations for couples to divorce). The practices of marriage would change – there is a trend for people who are committed before they are married to have longer and more satisfying marriages than those who see marriage as the commitment. Furthermore, for others to have higher expectations for married couples to stay together (because there were higher expectations for dating people to stay together) will change married people’s behavior. – That is just one example of a way in which changing dating might change marriage.

My personal views: it isn't hard to assume that marriage is an institution that requires changes; changing dating is the best way to change marriage (although this should not detract from the ability of married people to change those conditions that they are in); changing relationships on the level of dating requires drastic reconstruction of societal values, a changing of values that would eliminate many problems that do not have to do with dating and might eliminate the problems of marriage at the same time.

I foresee how my peers might respond with something like, "what needs change in order to repair marriage are merely notions pertaining to 'when it is appropriate to enter into marriage' -- that dating does not need to be changed." My response is that the couple in each individual case bases their particular decision to enter into marriage on social (macro-level) concepts of what 'dating' and 'marriage' mean. A social concept of 'when it is proper to enter into marriage' is unnecessary and I would argue is rarely used. Individuals appeal only to the concept ‘marriage’ as it is distinguished from ‘dating’ to know when they are ready; they needn’t appeal to any intermediary concept.

I am open to hear my peers' input and criticisms.

Footnotes:

* This does not to overlook the fact that there exist certain cases where the difference between dating and marriage just is a ceremony -- such as when a couple who has been together for 20+ years decide to get married. This set of cases is negligible.

** This is not to overlook the fact that the direction of influence could just as well go the other way -- marriage could influence dating. But I find that because the institution of marriage is more socially significant than the institution of dating, focus on social change in relationships should have changes in marriage as their end and changes in dating as their means and it would be awkward/wrong/perverse to have it the other way around.