Chapter 15: Separation & Divorce

1. Summary:

            Chapter 15 examines separation, which often ends in divorce and the impact of divorce on both adults and children. As divorces are becoming increasingly acceptable, divorce rates are growing. The chapter first begins by discussing separation which involves the livings arrangements of a couple that often precedes a divorce. There are 4 stages of separation described: 1) Preseparation in which partners start to consider what it would be like to not be with their husband/wife and start a new life; this often results in emotional alienation which leads to divorce; 2) Early separation  where newly separated couples often feel unsure of their decision and begin to be plagued by many questions, and have to deal with financial issues; 3) Midseparation where the realities of  living separately set in creating stress, which in turn may cause partners to experience “pseudo-reconciliation” that often causes partners to reunite; however this second reunion is usually short-lived and ends up with the couples separating again; and 4) late separation where the partners begin to grow and learn how to survive as singles plus deal with the reactions of their children and mutual friends. Furthermore, there are many different outcomes that emanate from marital separation, which includes reconciliation, long-term separation without divorce, and divorce (the legal and formal dissolution of a marriage).

            With the presentation of divorce as a possible result of separation, the next two sections of the chapter explore trends in divorce as well as the process of divorce. While divorce rates increased following WWII because of war-related stress and couples realizing they had nothing in common they had nothing in common, these rates have decreased in recent years; perhaps because an increasing number of people remaining single longer or choose to just live with someone. Divorce is often a long process that involves the 6 stages identified in this chapter: 1) emotional divorce which takes place before any legal steps are taken and commonly consists of 3 phases—a BEGINNING PHASE  where spouses feel disappointment in each other but hope that the marriage will improve, a MIDDLE PHASE  where the feelings of hurt and anger increase and efforts to correct the situation are unsuccessful, and an END PHASE where one partner stops caring and becomes emotionally detached from the other; 2) legal divorce  which occurs when partners come to a consensus on various issues involving finances. This stage seldom occurs without conflict because decisions about child support and alimony are major issues in most divorces; 3) economic divorce where couples feud over financial issues like whose responsibility it is to pay for specific things; 4) coparental divorce which involves agreements about legal responsibility for economic support and care of the children, as well as visitation rights; 5) community divorce where partners inform friends, family, teachers, and others that they are no longer married; and 6) psychic divorce which happens when many couples emotionally separate from and establish separate lives; however, some have a hard time letting go of their emotions towards their ex-spouse and as a result never fulfill this stage.

            The next section explains why people divorce. It discusses 3 interrelated reasons that include: 1) macro-level factors such as changing divorce laws, religious institutions unintentionally supporting divorce, poor economic conditions, benefits as well as the demanding job requirements of military service, changing cultural values (rising individualism and acceptance of divorce), decreasing social integration, and technological advances; 2) demographic variables such as parental divorce, marriage at a young age, premarital pregnancy & childbearing, premarital cohabitation, presence of childbirth, gender (women are more likely to file for a divorce than men), race & ethnicity (among all racial-ethnic groups, blacks tend to have the highest divorce rate), social class (those of low socioeconomic class have a high chance of divorcing), strong religious beliefs, and similarity between spouses; and 3) micro/interpersonal factors such as unrealistic expectations, conflict & abuse, infidelity, communication problems, and financial problems. In addition, same-sex divorce is briefly touched on in this section; while lesbian and gay couples struggle getting married, they also struggle getting divorced too. Nonetheless, they often have higher divorce rates than heterosexual couples perhaps because of the lack of support and encouragement that they tend to receive from family and friends.

            After pointing out possible reasons people consider divorce, the chapter analyzes 3 areas in which an ex-spouses’ life is effected: 1) physical, emotional, and psychological effects caused when the divorce has a negative effect on an one’s health and causes emotional upsets; it is unclear if divorce actually effects a person’s well-being or if preexisting problems contribute to the likelihood 2) economic and financial changes caused because divorce can depletes the wealth that is often built up in marriage; women tend to struggle more than men with their economic well-being declining after divorce, thus putting them more at risk of poverty); and 3) child custody & child support which involves custody, a court-mandated ruling which determines which parent will be primarily responsible for the welfare and upbringing of the children. Although most mothers continue to receive sole custody while the other parent has specific visitation rights; couples today increasingly engage in joint custody where the children divide their time between both parents. There are 2 different types—joint legal custody and joint physical custody and co-parenting where divorced parents are both involved in making decisions about the child. Two other types of custody are discussed in this section; split custody where the children are divided between the parents either by sex or by choice and co-custody where parents equally share physical and legal custody of their children; there is much controversy over this concept since many fathers are pressing for it in order to relieve some of the financial burden caused by court-ordered child support payments. Some noncustodial parents avoid paying child-support and are often referred to as “Deadbeat dads/parents.” However, in cases where noncustodial fathers/parents do make payments conflicts between the parents are fewer and they usually develop closer relationships with their children. Many laws have been passed to enforce parents to pay court-ordered child-support, but there are various problems with court-ordered child support that make it difficult to collect child support.

            Following the effect of divorce on the ex-spouses’ lives, the chapter considers how divorce affects children. While some children have an easier time adjusting to the new family structure, others sometimes struggle with feelings of anger, sadness, or guilt. Sometimes divorced parents begin treating their children like their peers or unintentionally “parentify” them, which can negatively impact children, perhaps even hindering their individual growth. Children from divorced families often develop behavioral and emotional problems as well as long-term health problems. Many factors determine how a child is likely to adjust to their parents’ divorce: if there are parental problems before a divorce children’s’ behavior and academic performance are often negatively affected; the timing of the divorce also effects the stability of the children as divorces that occur in early childhood create early instability; ongoing parental conflict and hostility before and after the divorce negatively impacts a child’s behavior and their perception of family life; quality of parenting; and the degree of economic hardship they face after divorce. A divorce has been known to have negative consequences for subsequent generations through intergenerational transmission of divorce. But parents can take measures to prevent children from being negatively affected by a divorce by providing encouragement that everything will be okay and reassurance that communication and love/affection with from both parents will continue. Additionally, children’s well-being tends to improve when ex-spouses work together through co-parenting. The chapter focusing a lot on the negative consequences of separation and divorce but also discussing benefits of separation and divorce that exist for children as well as adults; separation provides options for people who are miserable in a marriage, more opportunities for growth, as well as decreasing the stress both children and adults feel in homes where there are continuous conflicts and quarrels.

            The chapter ends with a discussion on methods and resources that are often used to help families avoid or survive divorce. The methods and resources mentioned in this section include: 1) counseling and marital therapy which many partners are forced to attend professional counseling seminars before going to court; 2) divorce mediation where a trained arbitrator helps the couple come to an agreement; and 3) collaborative divorce where methods are use to try and resolve disputes before finalizing a divorce court. Each of these methods and resources discussed have both advantages and disadvantages and one may work better for some people than others. Finally, chapter 15 concludes by stating that with the increase of acceptance of divorce family structures have changed significantly with more choices for leaving miserable marriages; however, there are also various constraints that go along with those choices; nonetheless, parents can lessen these constraints by handling divorce in a way the will present more benefits than conflict for both themselves and their children.

2. What was interesting/what did you learn:

            I thought the box on page 429 titled “Do You Know Someone with Divorce Hangover?” was very interesting. I never really thought about how people might struggle with letting go or having to develop new social ties and redefine parental roles after a divorce. But after reading common symptoms of a divorce hangover (sarcasm, using the children, lashing out, paralysis, holding on, throwing out everything that are reminders of the ex-spouse, blaming and finding fault with others, excessive guilt, and dependency on others) this concept makes complete sense. As people divorce, their emotions may not allow them to get over it and move on with life; therefore, they are stuck in this emotional state or divorce hangover. A divorce hangover can greatly affect a person’s emotional, physical, and mental state. Fortunately there are many books and resources on the web to help people “cure” their divorce hangover. Before reading this chapter, I never knew such a concept existed, but after searching the web for more information, I noticed that there is more information on it than I would have ever thought! Who would have known there was a term to characterize many divorced people’s struggle after the formal dissolution of marriages? I found the following websites very insightful with ways to avoid and cure a divorce hangover:

http://www.divorcewizards.com/Top-Ten-ways-to-avoid-a-divorce-hangover.html

http://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Children_and_Divorce/curing_divorce_hangover.html

3. Discussion Point:

            As I came to the end of the section about child custody I noticed the chapter raised a question I thought was worth discussing. It asks if readers agree with the proposal by the American Law Institute “that a court should grant child custody to parents in proportion to the amount of time they spent caring for a child before the divorce.” I personally think this is a very good proposal; even though I don’t have divorced parents, many of my friends’ parents are divorced and I have gained a great amount of knowledge from them about how their lives where greatly impacted by their parents’ divorces. For example, one of my friends lived with her mom and had no contact with her father. Her parents had divorced when she was very young and her mother was granted sole custody of her and her sister. As far as I know their father was out of the picture all of their lives and had no contact with them even after my friend’s death. He wasn’t even part of her funeral; in fact, I don’t even know if he knows his daughter died. My friend would tell me how she remembered when her parents were together that her dad was never around; when he wasn’t working he was always at the bar and then come home and go right to bed. He provided no love or affection. Considering my friends story, I would definitely agree with The American Law Institute’s proposal because if parents like my friend’s father who demonstrated no desire to care for children are granted custody those children may suffer greater negative effects than they would if they were with the parent who loved and supported them from the time they are born up until the day their custody case is brought to court. Forcing children to live with parents who show little care may hinder their growth and development and cause them to develop behavioral and emotional problems  and could possibly put them in a dangerous situation where they receive little or no parental supervision at young ages. What do you think about this proposal? Do you think it is a good idea? Or do you think other factors are more important in determining who should be granted child custody than the time each parent spends caring for a child before a divorce? I have listed some consequences that I believe might result from having a parent granted custody of child who spent little time caring for their child before the divorce; can you think of any other(positive or negative) effects children may have to face when forced to live with a parent who was not in the picture before the divorce based on whether you think this proposal is right or not?