Chapter 10

Summary:

Chapter 10 is titled “Marriage and Communication in Intimate Relationships.”  It begins by giving reason why people marry, these include children, commitment, love, economic and social security, pressure, and for reasons other than love (i.e. to pay for things, just to marry to say they are married).  Next, the expectations of marriage are discussed. There are expectations for engagement as well as the actual wedding. There are different traditions from many societies but most popular traditions include a “bridal shower,” and a “bachelor party.” Some things that come along with the wedding include prenuptial agreements. These are made most commonly among wealthy families and can include anything from money, to property, to how many children the couple must have.

The book then names different types of marriage in the United Sates. On page 265-266 they list them. First is conflict-habituated marriage in which the marriage revolves around the couple fighting constantly and their relationship survives on that. Next, there is a devitalized marriage in which couples lose love for each other but because of children and families they do not divorce and remain together but usually unhappy. Passive-congenial marriage is when the marriage has little emotions in it. Both partners are independent and are happy with other relationships with friends. Vital marriage is which is probably what most couples try to strive towards. They are happy together, hardly fight but when they do, it’s fair fighting, they are sexually active with each other and resolve issues quickly.  Lastly, a total marriage is almost the same as a vital marriage but legitimately never fight and share most of their life together by both working at the same place or being involved in the same social circle.

Chapter 10 then goes into what makes a marriage successful. The idea of happiness is discussed and the question, are married couples happy? is asked. Most women are more unhappy than men and African Americans are less happy in their marriages than whites. Gay marriages, although there is not much research on the subject, have similar findings and are not any happier than heterosexual marriages. The book then considers what is important to a successful marriage. The first point in compatibility, this means being happy with someone else’s personality which becomes more and more important as time goes on and looks fade.  Flexibility and positive attitudes are next to be brought up. Communication and emotional support are also important. The book stresses that happy couples are able to express themselves to their partner because they know their partner is also there for them emotionally. 

Marriage also affects health, according to the book and health benefits marriage. Married women are usually less healthy than married men. However, for health to affect marriage, the marriage itself has to be healthy. There are also marital roles that go according to gender, mostly. Women do the housework and men bring home the bacon, as the expression goes.

The book then gives the life cycle of marriages. First, after the vows is the “honeymoon stage,” in which the couple is very happy since everything is so new and there are many firsts. It is also an adjustment period that includes settling into a new home together and, if the couple has never lived together, getting used to the other’s habits. In the middle of the marriage, after the children have grown up and are starting to leave, the relationship changes again. After retirement, the next stage of marriage happens and usually the couple is very happy in their marriage.

Communication is the key to a successful relationship.  Self-disclosure is cited as a very important part of communication. There are differences between sexes in communication. And one is women’s ability to self-disclose easier than men.  However, some researchers see this as a stereotype and don’t believe it to be true. There are also communication problems in marriage such as not listening and nagging. The chapter also asks the question, what do couples fight over? There is a list of things such as financial problems, sex, and children.  Couples deal with conflict in four specific ways: accommodation, compromise, standoff, and withdrawal. There are productive communication patterns for couples to follow.  They include asking for information, don’t generalize, staying focused, being specific, keeping it honest, making it kind, expressing appreciation, using non verbal communication, and jus listening.

What I learned:

I thought the most interesting section was the comparison of men and women’s speech. Interpersonal communication between genders is really interesting to look at, particularly when it’s between two people in a romantic relationship.  It’s really helpful when thinking about one’s own relationship or how we communicate with friends of the opposite gender. This section could be applied to any part of life so I definitely think it was the most helpful.

Question for discussion:

I was expecting more out of the section about marriage rituals, the engagement, and the wedding ceremony. They really only talked about weddings in the U.S. I was wondering if anyone had any experiences with marriage ceremonies outside of the United States and how they are similar or different.

Gina Z.